Being an Expat Isn't Easy - Calabrisella Mia

Being An Expat Isn’t Easy

How do you know when it’s time to go?

I’m sure I’m not the only person living abroad who has wrestled with this question and it’s one of the parts about living abroad that very few people really talk about.

Let’s be honest, when we read about people who have chosen to move to another country, we want to read about all the whacky, fun and wonderfully exciting times they are having. And yes, if you keep an open mind, then living abroad is certainly all that and more but, it’s not always as glamorous as you might think.

I’ve lived in Cosenza for just shy of 7 years now – wow, it’s still hard to believe it’s been that long. When I moved here, I didn’t really have any plan. I wasn’t sure what my future would hold, or how long I would be away. I didn’t move to Italy for a job or a relationship. I moved here for me and to reconnect with a part of me I had lost, my dad.

I was so ready to start my new adventure in Italy, until I arrived in Italy and thought, “What am I doing?!?!”. But, deep down I knew it was something I needed to do, whether it worked out or not. I was looking for something (to this day I still can’t really say what exactly) that I felt I couldn’t find in Canada.

When the shock of what I had done finally wore off, I started to allow myself to entertain the idea of actually making things work here.

At first it was quite entertaining. Everyone is always so fascinated by the crazy “americana” (ahem, I’m actually Canadian) who chose to live in Calabria of all places.

But, after a while it starts getting old. That feeling like I have to justify my reasons and then hearing all the reasons that people are sick of living here. Believe me, I’m fully aware of all the problems here and trust me when I say the grass isn’t always greener on the other side.

It’s hard being the foreigner.

I was never concerned with how I would adjust or adapt to my new environment. I’d been to Italy before and I was raised with Italian traditions and culture. Sure, I didn’t speak the language, but I understood a bit and I had a dictionary and it would force me to learn the language. I no longer had my dad around to translate things to my relative in Italy so it was all on me now and I was up to the challenge. In the beginning it was hard, not being able to express myself the way I wanted to and feeling like I couldn’t really connect with people on the level I wanted to, but as days, weeks and months went by my Italian improved and I was feeling more comfortable with speaking the language.

So, even though I grew up with Italian traditions and I could now sort of speak the language, I should feel less like a foreigner, right? Not really. There is always that word that you just can’t pronounce, that person who speaks so quickly or mumbles you just can’t understand them no matter how hard you try, or someone who interrupts your conversation to bring up that you have a “strange” accent and you are quickly snapped back to the reality that you aren’t Italian regardless of how much a part of who you are it seems to be for you. Growing up in Canada, I always had a strong tie to my Italian roots, it was what I related to and felt comfortable with and being in Italy just didn’t give me that same connection.

Struggling to Make Friends as an Adult

Making friends here has proved to be quite a challenge! My experiences are only based on what I’ve found here in Cosenza, but most groups of friends have known each other since childhood and becoming a part of that group is very difficult. With the few friends I have been able to make here, I feel like we can go out and have fun – but it never seems to go past the surface. I’ve tried to create bonds with people here but it just doesn’t seem to stick, something that I’ve never experienced back in Toronto. Maybe it’s because the friendships I had made back in Canada were cultivated at a younger age and grew as we did.

And so, it can get lonely sometimes. Being away from your family and close friends, who, at times, know you better than yourself, can be a real struggle. So, when I’m feeling frustrated, lonely, or even excited about something, I don’t feel like I have those people here that I am able to share these things with.

Hey there! Oh, Your Leaving…

In major Italian cities like Rome, Milan and Florence, meeting other English speaking expats is easier than if you were in, let’s say, Cosenza! I’ve met very few expats and most of them leave within a year, mainly because they didn’t find what they were looking for here so they decided to move onto a new destination or return home. The ones that are here for the long haul are usually older, married with children and that’s what keeps them here. Meeting people who can relate to you as an expat is so refreshing and it’s heartbreaking to have to say goodbye. Sure, social media helps you to keep in contact with them when they leave, but it’s certainly not the same as meeting up with them for a coffee or an apperitivo to vent or unwind with someone who can relate to the twisted and absurd things you deal with in Italy on an almost daily basis.

Meanwhile, Back at Home.

One of the positive things about living in Cosenza is the low cost of living. It has allowed me the possibility to go home regularly over the years. We can’t pretend that everything just stops once you move abroad, life keeps moving forward for everyone you’ve left behind. Since moving to Italy, my sister has given birth to two beautiful children who are the loves of my life and it’s so hard being away from them. I have gone back often and for long periods of time to be with them and see them grow. I was fortunate to be there for the birth of my niece, but had to wait three months before being able to see and hold my nephew. Although, me staying up until the wee hours of the morning Facebook messaging my brother-in-law as he waited to go in for the birth of his child (the gender was a surprise) will be a funny story to tell my nephew when he gets older. These precious moments with family have always been so important to me, even more so since the passing of my dad.

Unfortunately, just as there are the beautiful life moments you miss out on, there are also the sad moments that you miss too. Receiving news of someone’s passing when you are on the other side of the ocean is heartbreaking. In those moments, you really feel the distance that separates you. Sadly, I’ve lost close relatives and close friends have lost their parents and I would give everything in my power to be there to bid a final farewell or to offer a comforting shoulder to cry on. And returning home after losing someone is surreal. It’s almost as though being away it’s not completely true, until you are back and then it becomes very real.

Building a Future

I’m definitely not the same person I was when I first moved here. Moving abroad has taught me a lot about myself, but what’s next for me?

I knew that it wouldn’t be all beaches and gelato. Sure, there are those random moments that make you fall over laughing because they are “so Italian”. But living here isn’t like living in Canada. There aren’t the same opportunities or growth here. Most of the people I’ve talked to who have a job, have had only one job. It’s like you have a job and that’s it for the rest of your life. No raises, no promotions, you’ve peaked the moment you signed the contract, which in and of itself is a big deal here!

I’ve always wanted to do something that involves writing, and I’m trying to build on that as a career while also working a steady paying job, which isn’t always easy to do. I’m always giving it another year. Maybe things will be different. Perhaps now I’ll have time to pursue other projects. And days, weeks, and months go by. I begin to feel more anxious, stressed and financially insecure, because I don’t have that foundation to build on.

Living abroad has so many positive aspects but it’s also very difficult. I’ve been here 7 years, that’s a long time and when I look back on my time here, I see all the incredible things I’ve done that I could never have done back in Canada.

But, how do you know when it’s time to leave or how do you know that you’ve found your “place”? I guess in this day and age, there really isn’t an answer, the world offers so many paths and life choices and we have the freedom to choose what we want.

I’m not sure what my future holds or where it will take me, only time will tell!

Are you an expat? Have you lived abroad? I’d love to hear your experiences and thoughts on life abroad. Share in the comments below!

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LuLu

Originally from Toronto but currently living in Calabria, blogging about my life and love for all things Italian!

Simon
February 20, 2021 at 10:29 pm

Hi Lulu, Thought I’d just write a very quick note to say hi. I’ve found myself in Cosenza as a result of a relationship, currently living just up the hill near Mendicino! Was bouncing back and forward between here and Bristol, uk until the Covid made it more difficult to move. Just came across your blog and reading about your experiences with interest! Simon
1. LuLu
  February 23, 2021 at 8:29 am
  
  Thanks for the comment, Simon! I’m glad you found my blog interesting…how long have you been in Cosenza? You don’t meet many ex-pats in this city! 🙂
Patricia Sandler
February 10, 2020 at 2:39 pm

Ciao Lulu, it seems strange to me that someone would choose Cosenza as a place to live without having some type of friend-relative relationship that urged you on. I know Cosenza very well, and I have a lot of relatives young and old living there and in San Marco Argentano. We usually stay there for two weeks every year or year and a half. We’ve considered moving there because we are both Italian citizens and Cosenza is our comune, however, coming from NYC, it may be too quiet. It would be fun meeting with you when we are there. We take the same apartment every year. I am a fluent speaker of Italian, so the language would be no problem.
1. LuLu
  February 28, 2020 at 8:09 am
  
  Hi Patricia, well, my family is from a town near Cosenza and I’ve always loved Calabria. It was my hope when I moved here that I could be in Calabria and I was fortunate enough to find work here. I personally love this city because it’s not too big and you being in the city center means I can walk everywhere. It’s definitely a slower pace of life, but I find ways to keep busy! 🙂 Definitely let me know when you come and we will meet up! 🙂 A presto!
  1. Patricia
    February 28, 2020 at 1:49 pm
    
    It would be a pleasure to meet you Lulu. We just spent two weeks there, and in all likelihood, we will go back at the end of next year.
    1. LuLu
      March 1, 2020 at 8:45 am
      
      I hope we get the chance to meet next year! A presto Patricia!
      1. Patricia
        March 1, 2020 at 3:02 pm
        
        Senz’altro Lulu!
  2. Kim
    November 30, 2020 at 6:33 am
    
    Hi
    After all this Covid stuff! I’m hoping to go over to Calabria to hunt for a home 😀 just can’t wait
    Kim
    1. LuLu
      December 3, 2020 at 12:40 pm
      
      Sounds exciting, Kim! Do you have an idea of where in Calabria you’d like to find a place?
Susan
April 6, 2019 at 5:18 pm

Hi Lulu,
(I just lost my whole comment, don’t know what happened.)
I really have enjoyed reading your blog about living in the Calabria area of Italy and all the pros and cons. I have wanted to move to that area for the last five years after I spent two weeks vacationing and the southern part of Italy from Rome on down oh, and knowing that my great Nana live there for many years. This is one place I did not visit when vacationing, and have been researching since then. My father passed away eight years ago, and it is his side of the family that’s Italian / Sicilian. This is also been another big reason why I want to move to Southern Italy. Plus I am single, retired, and would love nothing better than to experience living abroad in Italy. Other than those reasons, it’s just a personal choice for me because I long for a drastic change of pace to my life, and to experience what it would be like to live in another country. I’ve been spending lots of time researching that region. (But am having difficulties locating ads for furnished long term rental homes. Could you please direct me on this area?) I’ve found a few online rental sites but am not sure how updated they are and/or if they are reputable. So any direction would be appreciated.
As far as my settling down and getting used to the language and everything else you mention, I am very determined to learn and know myself well enough to realize I don’t give up easily, and have pick myself up by my bootstraps many times in my life oh, so this would probably be another time I have to be in that mind frame.
Well, I’ve probably ranted on and on, but do appreciate your blog and any assistance or Direction you could give me. And if you would like to correspond through email or instant messaging I would be glad to do so and we could exchange that information at a later date.
I have signed up for updates from your blog, but look forward to hearing any information you would share and your response. Take care and God bless
Susan
1. LuLu
  April 26, 2019 at 7:14 am
  
  I’ve sent you an email.
  1. Seamus McGrane
    December 6, 2019 at 3:00 pm
    
    Lulu:
    
    I am a single father that has spent most of my life (other than grad school in Louisana and a few years for work in Montana. I have done a ton of soul searching, thinking and research about moving abroad and have decided on Cambria. Would you provide some guidance and advise on the moving process. I want to by a place right off the bat. I am planning on May/June 2020. I am only bring books and clothing. Thanks much.
    1. LuLu
      December 7, 2019 at 1:06 pm
      
      Hi Seamus, Thanks for visiting my blog and leaving a comment. There are many things to take into consideration for example why Calabria? Do you have dual citizenship? Do you speak the language? Do you want to live in a city or in a small town? Are you planning to work or are you retired? I don’t know anything about buying a home here as I’ve never done that but there are some great Facebook pages for Expats in Italy that may be able to help you out better. Here is one for example: https://www.facebook.com/groups/38507463653/
      All the best on your move!
Darby
May 11, 2018 at 8:47 pm

It can be really hard. Specially making friends as you grow older and don;t go out as much. I guess the only way to get a hold of things is throwing yourself out there.
1. LuLu
  May 12, 2018 at 8:35 am
  
  There aren’t many occasions where you can meet people. It’s important to take any opportunity you can to put yourself out there.
KareninCalabria
June 16, 2017 at 5:08 am

You make a lot of good points. I lived in Calabria for 4 years and I suppose one of the main reasons that I returned to the US was that I could only find work under the table, as securing a work permit seemed just about impossible for someone outside of the European Union without Italian heritage or spouse to rely on.
As you say, Italians do have very strong bonds with childhood friends and it takes some effort to open up new friendships, but once accomplished, you’re in the inside circle. Of course, it can’t possibly be the same as having that basis of family and friends that you left behind, but having moved around the US quite a bit, it’s difficult starting from scratch in the friend department anywhere.
I smiled on your “americana” comment. I discovered that many consider all of North and South America to be “American.” That’s when I learned the word “statunitense,” which I subsequently discovered is not well-known amongst those less educated. So if I need to give further clarification, I find “Usa,” pronounced as a word, rather as individual letters, usually does the job.
In many ways, my book, blog and social media pages have kept me connected with Calabria even though it isn’t my home base. I also visit several months a year, which certainly helps. All the best to you.
1. LuLu
  June 17, 2017 at 7:32 pm
  
  Thanks Karen! It’s nice to have the opportunity to come back. In a way you get to go home twice 😉
The Indefinite Journey
June 5, 2017 at 1:41 pm

Good post! I agree with these points especially about no matter how E
Well you speak, though will always be the foreigner. However much less so even you speak it well. I noticed while living in Argentina when I finally learned to peak fluently. A world opened up to me. People were friendlier, more apt to be your friend and invite you places, before that it was kinda lonely.
1. LuLu
  June 6, 2017 at 7:07 am
  
  I think we also open up more to the idea of meeting new people when we feel more confident in our ability to speak the language. Being an English speaker in Italy is not a bad thing, most people love it because it’s not common (at least where I live). But, even that doesn’t mean you have firmly rooted friendships. I think it’s important to know that we aren’t the only ones that feel that way and that we aren’t alone in our experiences of living abroad. Our stories may be different but our experiences/feelings have a lot of similarities!
Rosa
June 4, 2017 at 7:49 am

Hi Lulu!
What a great post! I could relate on every level. My family is also from Calabria (an hour’s drive from Catanzaro), but I was born and raised in Windsor, Ontario. Since January 2007, I have been living in Germany. I moved here because of my German husband. The first 2 1/2 years, I lived in Bavaria, where I found the people to be more open and friendly, and it was really easy to make new friends. Then I moved to a small city in Northern Germany, not far from Hamburg, and that is when the culture shock hit me (not when I moved from Canada to Bavaria). The Northerners tend to be more reserved and some can at times be rude and cold. It was difficult to find good friends the first three years of living here. When I look back, I think it has to do with culture differences.
I completely agree with you that it’s not easy being an expat. No matter how hard you try to blend in, you will always be the foreigner. It’s not often that I think of this, but there are times that I wish I could go back home. I miss my old friends and family. Mom passed away last year from brain cancer. I was lucky enough to travel back home and visit her in the hospital during her final days. After my mom’s funeral, I wished I could have stayed longer to keep my dad company. It’s not easy for me to pick up and go, because I am married and I have three school-aged boys. They come first in my life … primi i fidji e poi iju.
But you, on the other hand, you still have the opportunity to go back home! It doesn’t seem that you have anything holding you back. Toronto is such a great city to live in (I have a cousin who lives there). When I was reading your post, I felt that you missed your old life in TO, and are hanging onto your life in Cosenza in memory of your dad. I think you may have already found what you were looking for in Calabria. Seven years of your life is a long time. You just need the courage to make the decision that you know is right for you. Maybe it’s time to go back home and watch you niece and nephew grow up. You can still live the Calabrian culture in Canada. I know I am doing it here in Germany. 🙂
Un forte abbraccio
Rosa
Image Earth Travel
June 3, 2017 at 7:41 pm

Great insight for any expat. I hope you’re not thinking about returning to Canada? We’ve only just met and love your company! 🙂
1. LuLu
  June 6, 2017 at 7:01 am
  
  Aww, thanks! <3 The idea of moving back to Canada is always there and surfaces from time to time but I don't have any definite plans to move back just yet. I feel like there is still more I need to do here (even though at times it seems impossible!). I'm so happy to have met you and I love your company as well! 🙂
Rashida Goryawala
June 3, 2017 at 9:04 am

I have just moved to the United States from India. Although english isn’t an unknown language for me, the accent is surely taking some time for me to catch up with. Plus the traditions and ways of doing things are so different. I totally relate with your experience!
1. LuLu
  June 6, 2017 at 6:58 am
  
  Thanks for sharing your experience with being an expat! Did you find a big culture shock when you moved? I think I had a bit of culture shock simply because I thought I knew what Italian culture was, surrounded by it in Canada, but it’s actually quite different here.
Keith Jewitt
June 2, 2017 at 3:57 am

My wife Maria and I previously from near London, UK have lived in Rogliano CS for ten years following early retirement. I think we may have mutual friends in Nilla and Neil and would be pleased to meet up sometime if you would like?
Regards, Keith and Maria
1. LuLu
  June 6, 2017 at 6:56 am
  
  Ciao Keith and Maria! Thanks for reaching out. My dad is from a town near Rogliano, I know it very well! And you are correct, we do have mutual friends in Nilla and Neil! I think that’s a great idea, we should plan to all get together! 🙂
  1. Image Earth Travel
    June 18, 2017 at 3:34 pm
    
    Definitely looking forward to another get together! 🙂
    1. LuLu
      June 22, 2017 at 7:18 am
      
      Me too! 🙂